I Want It All, That's Why I Strive For It.

Successful, that is all I really want to be. Whether it be in 8, 10 or 12 years - my goals I will achieve.

That completely sounded like a finishing sentence rather than an opener -- deal with me. Got exactly what I was looking for this weekend and then some, let's not revisit all that. I've made the decision to stay at this school which I loathe for the full year. Why, you might ask. Simply because of the title of this blog. If I were to transfer next semester, I'd have to balance settling in to a new school all over again while at the same time keep up my GPA. I'm going in with these books this year.

That's really all for now...I have much to say but this homework is calling my name. Toodle-loo.

"my heart's an open sore that I hope heals soon."

Scared of Lonely.

I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired
I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time
I'm sinking in the sand and I can't barely stand
I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely

I try to be patient but I'm hurting deep inside
And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night
And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home?
'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely, I'm scared of lonely

I cry at night 'cause my baby's too far to be by my side
To wipe away these tears of mine so I hold my pillow tight
To imagine you I'll stretch your hand looking for mine
'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
---------------

Beyonce took it there. Two important birthdays back to back. Thankfully, I will at least be able to show one of them AN AMAZING TIME. Weekend = RECKLESS. You owe me big after this weekend Raisha, lmao I LOVE YOU SLUT. Tis all.

Enter Galactic You and Me. (Ode to Phillip)

I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me; I bring them to the light for you; it's only right. [KiD CuDi]

Hello, I'm A-Mess and this week (since last Wednesday) has just been something like a wreck that leaves me feeling some type of way. So here goes, I've gotten into a mess bigger than I ever thought. I wouldn't be in the mess if I actually THOUGHT, but hey, can't erase the past. They say, when you love someone, you just don't treat them bad -- so why did I do all I did ? There's a big positive outcome out of all I've done, but in gaining something wonderful, I think I lost what's amazing. This time [congratulate me], I'm not looking for someone to put the blame on -- that person is me. It really gets to you when you have to hear those types of reactions, but that feeling isn't as bad as what I've done. I AM SORRY. Alas, I've owned up to my wrong doings and my conscience is semi-cleansed. Now all I need is actual forgiveness. This is my public apology and although you probably won't read this maybe my snail mail will help. I have all the time in the world, trust me I'm not rushing to go anywhere else. I know you're not rushing to come to me. . .even if the day never comes, I'll love me in the mean time. This is for you LoveBug. -- I'm sorry and I don't know when I will stop saying that. But I owe you so much more than you will ever know. You may not hold the same love I have for you towards me but that's okay, I can live with that as long as you're in my life. I just want to see your smile but I can't anymore, but as long as I know you're happy, I can just replay in my mind every moment I made you smile. Those moments live in my heart and I won't throw them behind a desk. I make mistakes all the time and I KNOW neither one of us are perfect but to me you'll always be a little more than better than the rest. You deserve everything and more. I may not be who you chose in the end but don't ever for a second forget that I'm never too far. A few hundred miles...hours...days if I walk don't mean a thing, I'll go to where ever you are if you're ever in need. I've made up my mind about a lot of things and I intend to prove to you that I'm not as stupid as my actions make me seem. You make me less dumb and for that, I owe you everything I am. (I'm cute ♥)

And now for the topic I was inspired to write about and my Ode to Phillip: Long Distance Relationships.
My personal take on it: Relationships are beautiful and I will never deny it. I love Love, forever. If the right feelings are there, love, respect and trust, then I don't see why not. But, what happens when there's that yearning ? Does that keep the couple going -- because they are both waiting for the day until they see each other once more ? I'm not against this at all, when have I ever been against relationships ? But point is, these situations can work, can work quite beautifully in the most romantic ways. Unfortunately, I am not lucky enough to be in such a situation. But for those who are, best wishes to you all. But most importantly, for those who are considering it, have no fear. Because you see, "Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for" (Joseph Addison). In the end, maybe a long distance relationship is a test of love. Just don't lose sight of the goal and slip up. (Comments, questions, concerns, ideas...much appreciated THANKS !)

Till my next inspiration...Ciao.
"Since I made it here, I can make it anywhere; Yeah they love me everywhere..."

I Do Not Accept Any Less Than Someone Just As Real - As Fabulous.

This blog is a special dedication to THE man. Hands down playboy, you got it all now, huh ?

Dear Mister Range, G35 Coupe;

You already know what you did, so I'm not even going to give the play by play, you don't deserve all the fame. But for starters, congratulations my man. It's been what -- two years?? -- that you've been able to keep up this facade that you're the victim, always the victim. You've manipulated stories to make yourself look like the greatest man ever (unbelievable -- literally) and the girls who took part are just whores time and time again. But you loved them hoes, no ? Oh please, you have not even the slightest idea of what reality is. Keep living that life though, where you're always the one in distress and absolutely no one is good enough for you. Although, I am glad you did what you did back in March 08. Gave me a chance to breathe and learn, but obviously not enough because I went back a gave you a chance to redeem yourself. No coming back from this though. Not that you'd dare to do so. Again, I repeat, congratulations babyboy.

I would like to give you a big thank you for allowing me to become stronger and more prideful than ever before. But even better, there's a Karmin in my life now. For as long as I'm around she will not be your little doormat. Although we met for all the wrong reasons, the outcome is more than right. Good luck finding someone who's half the woman we both are. I'm not even going to be the bigger person and wish you the best -- I'm not the one hun. She's better than ever and I'm the one for her, haha GAY. We don't need your stupid ballad when we give each other a reason to dance ♥.

XOXO;
ashley k. bajaña.

P.S.: You've left a mark I can't erase. It's called my ego.

You Got Me Here Watching Minutes Pass By.

There's so much SHIT going on it's crazy. Nothing I can make public as of yet anyway. But I do need to vent.

Going home this weekend, my babies are gone upstate but I will still make this weekend one to remember [for life], check for that. It'll be juicy. Anywho, I've been pretty sick all week. My throat feels like it should be ripped out my neck and now I think my wisdom tooth is acting up. That bullshit. I did my winter shopping at the Garden State Plaza -- that mall is the shit. Thank God for no tax on clothing WOO ! Now all I need is my Uggs and I'll be set, feels me ?

So it hit me hard the other night, once I go away to another school, I won't be able to see my nephew's growth every week. But I have to educate myself so I can spoil him when the time comes. I'm glad I won't be missing his first birthday though. I would never be able to get over it. Life -- I wonder -- will it take me under ? Too much on the dome I can't even find the words to express. Music will guide me. People are NEVER who you think they are. Take your time when getting to know someone. I'm being completely serious.

I'll be back Sunday night most likely :]
"Like a sprained ankle, boy I ain't nothin' to play with !"
I'm feeling gangsta. LOL.

Other Side of the Glass of My Memory's Museum.

So I decided to take a sick day from classes today. Don't doubt me, I really was sick though. The simplest thing made me so happy and excited today -- I HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE !! Definitely not something to be taken for granted. So I have a sore throat -- shit is wackkkk cause my hair looks good at the moment AY ! I don't have Columbus Day off, can someone please scoop me up and give me a fabulous weekend, kthanks. :]

Did some major thinking today, thinking that will probably go on for weeks all because I could never make up this silly mind of mine. I can't really complain though because at the end of the day, I got myself into this mess. I just don't know if I want to get out. Guess it's time for twenty one questions. I should just keep the memory on the other side of the glass, it's the past for a reason, but I just can't stop second guessing myself.

So Syracuse wants me to get a letter of recommendation from one of my professors. My sister advises that it should be my biology teacher, but sadly, my lecture has 90 people how the -pardon my french- fuck am I supposed to stand out there ? Time to get on my nerd flow, ya digg ?! Oh God -_- haha.

"If I lay here, if I just lay here; would you lie with me and just forget the world ?"

Leave a Mark They Can't Erase.

It's been awhile, but here goes. Friday night I realized way more than I bargained for. Every step, every move has a repercussion -- good or bad. I don't really want to go into much detail about that night, although a few already know the deal. Basically, I just had a rush of emotions that have now driven me to a fork in the road. Same God Damn fork I always find myself -_- For one, I owe my parents the biggest apology of my life. I said half of it to my dad...but my mom is always the hardest to get through to. I'm happy I've at least grown up a tad bit - mentally. Sigh.

I know the road I need to take, but I feel like I'm just going to run back to the starting point. But I always do this, I run back to what I already know cause I'm so scared to start brand new. Unfortunately, there's always something wrong with what I run back to. If it was ever anything good, then I really wouldn't have a reason to run back to it. I'm impossible. I'm always the one to give out advice and I'm 98% percent right about what will happen if my advice isn't taken. Too bad I'm never right about my own actions. But back to this road I need to take, it's called moving on. Only problem is, I'm not even sure what I'm moving on from. Blah. I wrote something this weekend, not in ink or on a screen or in blood O_o but I did write some message which will probably never be realized or understood, but that's okay. At the end of the day, it's probably for the best.

Well, there's no concert for me and Conn anymore...DEPRESSING. But to make up for it, we will be looking GLORIOUS on Halloween -- GaGa inspired baby :]
"I want to break up the scene and see you running back to me; cause I feel like taking off -- let me be your supernova before you make the biggest mistake of your life. Give me a chance to get it right."