My Mind Runs -- I Could Never Catch It, Even If I Got A Head Start.

I would like to make a public statement that I am staying at FDU for another semester or two, for reasons beyond my control. But that is fine. Got me a roommate and to Northpointe we go with our hot pink decor !

Before I write, news flash, Julie's bbm reads "You're so horny. I can tell by your statuses." Thanks Ju. My status earlier was "my dick ain't gunna suck itself." It was just to humor myself after a horrible day that could perhaps SUCK MY DICK.

Anyway, this semester has been...interesting to say the least. A few surprises here and there and don't forget to add all those moments I was appalled. As for my latest moment of appallment, if I may -- Don't try to bullshit a bullshitter, thanks. Enough of that before I truly do get upset. I actually had a lot more to say but ugh, I am too distracted, I'm sorry Julie !
Check back tomorrow :]

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss.

Don't Look At Me Like That -- You Amaze Me.

On March 19th, 2010, 5:00 AM, I arrived outside MSG alongside my bff Constance. We looked around in shock because we thought there would be a wild line by then. We were waiting to buy tickets for Lady GaGa. A few other fanatics showed up and we gave each other that whole "Are you here for GaGa ?" look. We stood our ground for some time then grabbed some breakfast at Mickey D's. Nobody at MSG seemed to understand why we were standing there. That was kind of heart-wrenching actually. After countless calls to Ticketmaster and MSG Box Office, Conn noticed that online it said that tickets were not sold at the actual venue on the first day, rather at a Ticketmaster Box Office. I remembered that those could be found at Macy's. I gave my sister a call hoping she could let us in early, but obviously that wasn't happening. After hours of agony and meeting other fans, we were told Macy's was definitely where the tickets were to be sold. So we ran up 8th Ave to a Macy's entrance with the Cellar stairs right next to us. There we joked around with some fans, talked some shit - the works. Finally, at 10:00 AM Macy's opened its doors and a massive rush of women and gays (haha, I loved it) ran to the stairs. I swear everything around me was a blur and all I could hear was Conn screaming out "ASHLEY !! ASSSSHHHHHLLLLLEEEEYYYYYYY !!". Alas, we reached the box office (or gift wrapping section) and we were BLOWN. Scalpers and Macy's employees were ALREADY on the line, like where the fuck did you come from asshole ? As the line progressed, more concert dates began to open up. When we reached the counter, the first tickets offered to us were General Admission, $79 - standing room only. No way playa, we were having that. So then we were so bold as to say "TWO BEST AVAILABLE" and we were given just that. Section 126 - $179.50 times two. My best friend Constance and I were officially en route to Monster Ball starring Lady GaGa on July 9th, 2010.

100 Days.

These Are My Confessions Like I'm Usher Raymond.

There has been some type of great rift within me. I call it great because it's really a change for the better. Continuing on from my last post that was damn near too long ago, I'm not quite so bitter anymore which is DEFINITELY a good look. Not only for myself but for the health of my friendships as well. There are actually a lot of thoughts jumbling through my head...but just a few in particular I feel should be "said out loud". Thank you blogspot for being that medium for me.
These are in no particular order.

thank you sir for leading me on and being added to the list of my "male disappointments". i'm not being sarcastic -unless you feel that way- but tis true. thank you for allowing me to learn another lesson that just makes me stronger. as for you, i hope all goes well with what you say is "a good thing", i hope you can soon realize it is a great thing.

there's a small flip i have to thank. she's the reason i actually realized that i changed for the better. i mean, i knew there was something new about me but when someone actually says "i'm glad you're back to smiling" or "i like it when you smile", you really open your eyes. so thank you fatso. i'm glad you're back.

the few. the proud. my friends. i don't seem to have many i can actually call my best, but i guess that's been my fault. NOT entirely my fault because of course everyone knows you don't distance yourself from your "best" friend simply because they are in some state of depression. wouldn't that just add on to the depression ? yeah, i believe so. but fuck that, i'm not holding grudges. a grudge is just wasted energy, might as well put it to work at the gym or better yet schoolwork.

destroy and rebuild. i guess you can say i more or less destroyed the "monster" that was keeping me down. now i'm onto rebuilding all it destroyed and reinforcing all it could not.

i'm spending valentine's day alone and yes, it is bittersweet. it's my first in a really long time but here's my take on it. everyday in a relationship, romantic or platonic, should feel like a celebration of love. everyday, every moment, second and even the fights. fights are just a not so nice way of saying i fucking love you motherfucker don't you get it, dumb shit. i am unsure if i am complaining but what ever it is i am doing, i do confess that i do miss having someone. i don't miss the mess i am when it all falls apart. in some part i know i'm better alone, at least for now. but we are all human and believe it or not we all want some type of love/companionship. cupid's played some cruel jokes on me, but when he makes me stumble, i only jump right back up. alas, i love you love.

xoxo :o]

Heartbreaker.

Remember when I caught your eye
you gave me rainbows and butterflies
we did enjoy our happiness;
when our love was over
I was such a mess

I smiled at you
and you smiled back
that's when I knew
there's no turning back
you said you loved me
and I did too
now though it's over
I still love you

you're in my mind
you're in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start

I tried to fight it
I tried so hard
and every day
I pray to God
that you and me were meant to be
but you had another
you had a lover

And now is gone
I don't know why
I feel like crying
just want to die
I can't look at you
and you know why
no, I tried so hard
to catch your eye

you're in my mind
you're in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start

Thank you MSTRKRFT for these amazing lyrics. They would've spoken to me a few months...scratch that -- weeks ago. I think the most tiring part of my day isn't the few hours I put in at work or the commute from NJ to NYC rather the energy to know and believe that at the end of the day I don't need anyone; romantically - that is.

I am feeling a tad bit on the bitter end about the prospect of love or a relationship for that matter. Anyone who knows me KNOWS this isn't me in any which way or form. I am the epitome of hopeless romantic. Now relationships make me sick. I much rather be part of something meaningless with absolutely no strings so I could avoid all FEELINGS. Shit...I'm morbid -_- But don't get me wrong. I am still madly, deeply, head-over-heels, GAGA in love with love. It is just that at this precise moment I love my ever so tenacious heart and attitude more than anything. Maybe it's just me becoming one with the season - cold but warm every now and then. But then spring arrives just in time and maybe then I'll stumble upon a knight in shining armor. Def don't have any high hopes for that. I'll pause on this before I get into how the male population is the same AT ANY AGE ! Yikes =X

sayonara babies.

Room for Improvement.

So it's been too long since I touched base. Have plenty to blog about just too few words to express and fully explain what goes on in this life of mine. Blah. I don't want to sound cliche and say this year I will definitely change, but for this second - let's allow it.

I finished my first semester with a 3.2 GPA, I'm not too upset or too happy but I guess it's something. I'm ready to put in work for that 3.8 and get my ass out of that place. LET'S GOOOOO ! Moving forward, I have officially come to terms with the fact that I don't need someone (male figure) to make me feel wanted, happy, important, etc. what the fuck, I am eighteen years old and reeeeaalllyyy need to get out of that "Cuffin" mentality. Trust me when I say, and my friends know it all too well, I am at my best when I am alone. So very happily, I intend to stay this way :]

I learned a FUCKING lot in 2009, mostly because I was shitted on but lastly because I became the same asshole who shitted on me constantly. In the end, that was the ultimate lesson and what led me to realize how much better off I am alone. This of course does not include friends and family, because let's be real, where would I be without any of them ? Although I firmly believe that I don't have much to be happy about I am feeling all sorts of happy. Going to finish up all those transfer apps, then just maybe I will be complete.

As for this blog's title, its self-explanatory. I have much more growing up to do as well as improvements and I'm just grown up enough to admit it.

"a sure thing just might fail you"

If You Don't Know, Now You Know...

Just a quick fact -- insomnia will ALWAYS get the best of you. Tis why I'm here blogging at 2:10 AM. There are a few things I'd like you all to know about me. Things that if you know me inside and out...you'd obviously already know. But I'm not sure if anyone quite gets it yet.

For starters, I am in deep, deep love with love. Yet it goes unrequited.
I enjoy solving everyone elses problems before my own. Just so I can feel like mine are nonexistent.
I lost a close friend because of that, I guess some things are truly meant for me NOT to be a part of. Sorry CV.
I want what I can't have about 95% of the time. Plenty of us probably have that in common.
The other 5% percent is what I should want but am too blind to realize.
I plan on traveling the world one day. Specific spots such as the Fiji Islands and Paris (at night) are places I'd like to spend with a beloved. The rest of the world is to be enjoyed with a large group.
Sunsets are my escape. A reminder that it's time to put the day's troubles away and settle.
I love the holidays...all the lights...the songs...preparations...colors...the cheer...the togetherness.
I hate the holidays...all the shopping...the wrap that's going to be ripped apart anyway...the work...the togetherness just because of gifts...the goodbyes.
I have ZERO patience. Yet I'm always waiting.
If I wrote you a love letter, you might just marry me or at least pay me to write a similar letter for your beloved.
I probably, most likely, will not look for you a third time if you let me down the first two. But I will (unfortunately) feel some type of way but just keep it to myself.
I very rarely have the big enough balls to just come out with all my feelings. That's just because while I'm talking I get embarrassed and decide some things are maybe really that stupid.
When I say I love you, 99.9% of the time - it's all true. That .1% is just the part of me that knows you might just let me down but I will give you my heart anyway.
College made me realize how much I really love my mom and dad. It's sad but it's crazy how happy it makes me to hear their voices on the phone.
My nieces and nephews make me feel role modelesque - but I'm far from it.
My friends are the Alphas and the Omegas.

This is me. If I missed any, do add them in. The End. ♥

Dance in the Dark.

Been ghost for a sec, but that's due to a very good excuse - I AM EMPLOYED !! I work at BeBe in the Garden State Plaza. I've been putting in a good couple hours so you can say I am CAKING but of course it's all for a very good reason. RESPONSIBILITIES. I am honestly very happy and it's been quite some time that I've actually meant that. As with anyone, all seems to be going well but there's a bigger piece missing. Not too worried about that, I'm focused, MAN.

So thanksgiving break was relatively nonexistent but that's cool I suppose. Only a few more weeks and the month off is here xD xD xD. The most unfortunate part of this break was that I didn't get to see the BFF Emanuel. But but butttt not to fret cause BFF week will be in full effect soon WOO. Activities pending but you know what it is !

I'm running full of emotions I really wish I could spill but my pride won't let me show it. I'm just chillin' though. Baby I'm a free -- bitch.

"Baby loves to dance in the dark, cause when he's looking she falls apart..."