If You Don't Know, Now You Know...

Just a quick fact -- insomnia will ALWAYS get the best of you. Tis why I'm here blogging at 2:10 AM. There are a few things I'd like you all to know about me. Things that if you know me inside and out...you'd obviously already know. But I'm not sure if anyone quite gets it yet.

For starters, I am in deep, deep love with love. Yet it goes unrequited.
I enjoy solving everyone elses problems before my own. Just so I can feel like mine are nonexistent.
I lost a close friend because of that, I guess some things are truly meant for me NOT to be a part of. Sorry CV.
I want what I can't have about 95% of the time. Plenty of us probably have that in common.
The other 5% percent is what I should want but am too blind to realize.
I plan on traveling the world one day. Specific spots such as the Fiji Islands and Paris (at night) are places I'd like to spend with a beloved. The rest of the world is to be enjoyed with a large group.
Sunsets are my escape. A reminder that it's time to put the day's troubles away and settle.
I love the holidays...all the lights...the songs...preparations...colors...the cheer...the togetherness.
I hate the holidays...all the shopping...the wrap that's going to be ripped apart anyway...the work...the togetherness just because of gifts...the goodbyes.
I have ZERO patience. Yet I'm always waiting.
If I wrote you a love letter, you might just marry me or at least pay me to write a similar letter for your beloved.
I probably, most likely, will not look for you a third time if you let me down the first two. But I will (unfortunately) feel some type of way but just keep it to myself.
I very rarely have the big enough balls to just come out with all my feelings. That's just because while I'm talking I get embarrassed and decide some things are maybe really that stupid.
When I say I love you, 99.9% of the time - it's all true. That .1% is just the part of me that knows you might just let me down but I will give you my heart anyway.
College made me realize how much I really love my mom and dad. It's sad but it's crazy how happy it makes me to hear their voices on the phone.
My nieces and nephews make me feel role modelesque - but I'm far from it.
My friends are the Alphas and the Omegas.

This is me. If I missed any, do add them in. The End. ♥

Dance in the Dark.

Been ghost for a sec, but that's due to a very good excuse - I AM EMPLOYED !! I work at BeBe in the Garden State Plaza. I've been putting in a good couple hours so you can say I am CAKING but of course it's all for a very good reason. RESPONSIBILITIES. I am honestly very happy and it's been quite some time that I've actually meant that. As with anyone, all seems to be going well but there's a bigger piece missing. Not too worried about that, I'm focused, MAN.

So thanksgiving break was relatively nonexistent but that's cool I suppose. Only a few more weeks and the month off is here xD xD xD. The most unfortunate part of this break was that I didn't get to see the BFF Emanuel. But but butttt not to fret cause BFF week will be in full effect soon WOO. Activities pending but you know what it is !

I'm running full of emotions I really wish I could spill but my pride won't let me show it. I'm just chillin' though. Baby I'm a free -- bitch.

"Baby loves to dance in the dark, cause when he's looking she falls apart..."

When I Dream of Fairytales, I Think of Me and ...

Busy, busy, busy freaking week man. Last friday I had an interview with Hollister which I probably didn't get because the damn thing was a group interview and I am a shy mofo. It was mommy's birthday on Saturday so mother and her daughters went to get their hair dyed and I am PROUD to say I am back and happy with my chestnut :]. We took moms out to a fancy Spanish (Spain) restaurant in Newark and gave her THE gift. Sadly, because of my lack of funds I really couldn't be part of it, but my parents are off to SPAIN in April 2010. AND they have their VERY own digital camera. Hopefully by the time they leave I will have enough to throw a few Euros their way. As for school work, I finally finished my wack ass power point presentation. I am taking 17 credits next semester OMG.

I have an interview with bebe on Friday, I'm just going to wish myself luck on that one. I am in DESPERATE need of a job. In other news, THANKSGIVING BREAK NEXT WEEK ! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE EVERYONES FACE. WOO !! Coming home early Tuesday :]

no musical quote...have nothing inspiring to say. In words of some dominican ( ;] ) "ITS CUDDLE SEASON" :'[

Hurt Me Soul.

As of late, my blog posts have revolved around the same subject. I should've just compiled them all and named it "THIS IS THE MONSTER YOU'VE CREATED". Insanity -_- I'm not going to make any decisions regarding him anymore, I don't usually stick to my plan so maybe if I just don't plan anything I will do what I should've done so long ago. Tough =/

Thanksgiving break is coming up and I am so excited. There are a few people I really hope to see. I am in need of my old friendships more than I would've ever imagined, we all have our moments. I'm doing some job searching today, hopefully all goes well. Never thought I'd be in this type of predicament but expected the unexpected right ?

Yeah, that goes to you. Still don't get it, but I am so gone, no more questions or anything to say. I can't even find the way to ask how you are doing cause honestly, I could care less. Same amount of care you show for me, friend. Smh, never really quite were that either - life. So angry -_-

Mommy's birthday this weekend, pretty excited. Can't wait to see her face after she gets her gift. :]

Workload is on overdrive, so I'll see when I will be back, lataaaaa !
"I used to give a fuck, now I give a fuck less. What do I think of success ? It sucks, too much to stress."

A Night Off.

I am suspiciously still awake, but it's not because of a heavy heart. It's a tough decision...deciding that you're going to give yourself a break from someone. Yeah people do it in relationships often, but within a friendship ?? I find it to be deeper. Boyfriends/girlfriends come and go, but friends ?? I don't know, I'm just really big on that sort of relationship.

About that heavy heart of mine, I've lifted some strain from it. For once (in a really long time), I have decided it's time to put ME first. This might sound weird, but I've always been about someone else. Whether it be my boyfriend at the time, a certain best friend/group of friends or just my family. I've always been about pleasing others then MAYBE if I had the time or energy, do things for myself. I think it's time for me -- I'm overdue.

Because it has only been a few days, I can't really say if my decision has been worth it. I've decided me and a close friend need a little breather from one another -- rather him from me. He's not a bad person at all, but like any other human (including myself) choices were made and I'm not big enough to handle them yet. I've made plenty mistakes out of anger and caused some damage which in turn is not easily forgiven. I am big enough to admit to all my wrongs and be truthfully sorry for them. I hate that I always have to resort to taking breaks from people in order to deal with their choices. These choices are part of life and not impossible to get over but I'm just so dramatic and I ALWAYS have to do things the hard way. It's okay I guess. I learn lessons and give advice at the end of it all. I've given myself the goal of taking this "Hiatus", if you, will until winter break. That's about a good month and a half of being about me. No doubt, he'll never be far from mind. He's been such a big part of life for more than a year and half. You just can't erase that. I just have to work at remembering that he's always been my friend. I hope that during this month we both can get our minds right. He's not as gone as I am but I know something must be going on...especially after what I saw on my phone. It's ok, it's just my own medicine, right ? I might not blog about this topic anymore, but it's what's heavy on my mind. I wish that I knew how to hold in my emotions and be a big girl. But I'm just me, an emotional 18 year old college student who is a hopeless romantic and just misses what used to be. I'll get better soon enough. I promise you, you have my word. Everyone does.

-- I love my friends. For all their words of wisdom/encouragement/anger/everything...so many more reasons but this here is number one. Don't ever give up on me.
I know they don't read this, but my greatest friends are my sister and my sister in law. Because, they are SUPPOSED to be my friends and are eternally tied down to me :]

i just hope for the best.

Some Type of Way.

I've been avoiding my issues lately only because I'm in denial and just want to believe they will be solved on their own, but sooner or later, it all comes crashing down.

I don't have the correct words to explain what is going on within me at the moment. I always knew the day would come when I'd have to hear those words, I just hoped it wouldn't be any time soon. Last week was anything but great - not even okay. The way it ended, damn, I guess you can say it ended me too, metaphorically. But even with that, I'm trying to see the bright side of my situation, I'm sorry but I really can't. I've never been optimistic....and I'm DEF not about to start now. How can you be someone's friend when you have to put up a front whenever you talk to them ? No, I'm not alright. I wish I could be your friend, but you're killing me now. I can't be who you want when you don't even give me a break. How do I fix this....fix me....aye.

I need a major distraction...hobby....prospects. lmao. I make myself laugh sometimes, it's healthy.

I Want It All, That's Why I Strive For It.

Successful, that is all I really want to be. Whether it be in 8, 10 or 12 years - my goals I will achieve.

That completely sounded like a finishing sentence rather than an opener -- deal with me. Got exactly what I was looking for this weekend and then some, let's not revisit all that. I've made the decision to stay at this school which I loathe for the full year. Why, you might ask. Simply because of the title of this blog. If I were to transfer next semester, I'd have to balance settling in to a new school all over again while at the same time keep up my GPA. I'm going in with these books this year.

That's really all for now...I have much to say but this homework is calling my name. Toodle-loo.

"my heart's an open sore that I hope heals soon."

Scared of Lonely.

I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired
I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time
I'm sinking in the sand and I can't barely stand
I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely

I try to be patient but I'm hurting deep inside
And I can't keep waiting, I need comfort late at night
And I can't find my way, won't you lead me home?
'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
And I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
I'm scared of lonely, I'm scared of lonely

I cry at night 'cause my baby's too far to be by my side
To wipe away these tears of mine so I hold my pillow tight
To imagine you I'll stretch your hand looking for mine
'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me

I'm scared of lonely
And I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall
And I'm scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own
I'm scared of being alone, I can't seem to breathe
When I am lost in this dream, I need you to hold me
---------------

Beyonce took it there. Two important birthdays back to back. Thankfully, I will at least be able to show one of them AN AMAZING TIME. Weekend = RECKLESS. You owe me big after this weekend Raisha, lmao I LOVE YOU SLUT. Tis all.

Enter Galactic You and Me. (Ode to Phillip)

I've got some issues that nobody can see and all of these emotions are pouring out of me; I bring them to the light for you; it's only right. [KiD CuDi]

Hello, I'm A-Mess and this week (since last Wednesday) has just been something like a wreck that leaves me feeling some type of way. So here goes, I've gotten into a mess bigger than I ever thought. I wouldn't be in the mess if I actually THOUGHT, but hey, can't erase the past. They say, when you love someone, you just don't treat them bad -- so why did I do all I did ? There's a big positive outcome out of all I've done, but in gaining something wonderful, I think I lost what's amazing. This time [congratulate me], I'm not looking for someone to put the blame on -- that person is me. It really gets to you when you have to hear those types of reactions, but that feeling isn't as bad as what I've done. I AM SORRY. Alas, I've owned up to my wrong doings and my conscience is semi-cleansed. Now all I need is actual forgiveness. This is my public apology and although you probably won't read this maybe my snail mail will help. I have all the time in the world, trust me I'm not rushing to go anywhere else. I know you're not rushing to come to me. . .even if the day never comes, I'll love me in the mean time. This is for you LoveBug. -- I'm sorry and I don't know when I will stop saying that. But I owe you so much more than you will ever know. You may not hold the same love I have for you towards me but that's okay, I can live with that as long as you're in my life. I just want to see your smile but I can't anymore, but as long as I know you're happy, I can just replay in my mind every moment I made you smile. Those moments live in my heart and I won't throw them behind a desk. I make mistakes all the time and I KNOW neither one of us are perfect but to me you'll always be a little more than better than the rest. You deserve everything and more. I may not be who you chose in the end but don't ever for a second forget that I'm never too far. A few hundred miles...hours...days if I walk don't mean a thing, I'll go to where ever you are if you're ever in need. I've made up my mind about a lot of things and I intend to prove to you that I'm not as stupid as my actions make me seem. You make me less dumb and for that, I owe you everything I am. (I'm cute ♥)

And now for the topic I was inspired to write about and my Ode to Phillip: Long Distance Relationships.
My personal take on it: Relationships are beautiful and I will never deny it. I love Love, forever. If the right feelings are there, love, respect and trust, then I don't see why not. But, what happens when there's that yearning ? Does that keep the couple going -- because they are both waiting for the day until they see each other once more ? I'm not against this at all, when have I ever been against relationships ? But point is, these situations can work, can work quite beautifully in the most romantic ways. Unfortunately, I am not lucky enough to be in such a situation. But for those who are, best wishes to you all. But most importantly, for those who are considering it, have no fear. Because you see, "Three grand essentials to happiness in this life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for" (Joseph Addison). In the end, maybe a long distance relationship is a test of love. Just don't lose sight of the goal and slip up. (Comments, questions, concerns, ideas...much appreciated THANKS !)

Till my next inspiration...Ciao.
"Since I made it here, I can make it anywhere; Yeah they love me everywhere..."

I Do Not Accept Any Less Than Someone Just As Real - As Fabulous.

This blog is a special dedication to THE man. Hands down playboy, you got it all now, huh ?

Dear Mister Range, G35 Coupe;

You already know what you did, so I'm not even going to give the play by play, you don't deserve all the fame. But for starters, congratulations my man. It's been what -- two years?? -- that you've been able to keep up this facade that you're the victim, always the victim. You've manipulated stories to make yourself look like the greatest man ever (unbelievable -- literally) and the girls who took part are just whores time and time again. But you loved them hoes, no ? Oh please, you have not even the slightest idea of what reality is. Keep living that life though, where you're always the one in distress and absolutely no one is good enough for you. Although, I am glad you did what you did back in March 08. Gave me a chance to breathe and learn, but obviously not enough because I went back a gave you a chance to redeem yourself. No coming back from this though. Not that you'd dare to do so. Again, I repeat, congratulations babyboy.

I would like to give you a big thank you for allowing me to become stronger and more prideful than ever before. But even better, there's a Karmin in my life now. For as long as I'm around she will not be your little doormat. Although we met for all the wrong reasons, the outcome is more than right. Good luck finding someone who's half the woman we both are. I'm not even going to be the bigger person and wish you the best -- I'm not the one hun. She's better than ever and I'm the one for her, haha GAY. We don't need your stupid ballad when we give each other a reason to dance ♥.

XOXO;
ashley k. bajaña.

P.S.: You've left a mark I can't erase. It's called my ego.

You Got Me Here Watching Minutes Pass By.

There's so much SHIT going on it's crazy. Nothing I can make public as of yet anyway. But I do need to vent.

Going home this weekend, my babies are gone upstate but I will still make this weekend one to remember [for life], check for that. It'll be juicy. Anywho, I've been pretty sick all week. My throat feels like it should be ripped out my neck and now I think my wisdom tooth is acting up. That bullshit. I did my winter shopping at the Garden State Plaza -- that mall is the shit. Thank God for no tax on clothing WOO ! Now all I need is my Uggs and I'll be set, feels me ?

So it hit me hard the other night, once I go away to another school, I won't be able to see my nephew's growth every week. But I have to educate myself so I can spoil him when the time comes. I'm glad I won't be missing his first birthday though. I would never be able to get over it. Life -- I wonder -- will it take me under ? Too much on the dome I can't even find the words to express. Music will guide me. People are NEVER who you think they are. Take your time when getting to know someone. I'm being completely serious.

I'll be back Sunday night most likely :]
"Like a sprained ankle, boy I ain't nothin' to play with !"
I'm feeling gangsta. LOL.

Other Side of the Glass of My Memory's Museum.

So I decided to take a sick day from classes today. Don't doubt me, I really was sick though. The simplest thing made me so happy and excited today -- I HAVE MEDICAL INSURANCE !! Definitely not something to be taken for granted. So I have a sore throat -- shit is wackkkk cause my hair looks good at the moment AY ! I don't have Columbus Day off, can someone please scoop me up and give me a fabulous weekend, kthanks. :]

Did some major thinking today, thinking that will probably go on for weeks all because I could never make up this silly mind of mine. I can't really complain though because at the end of the day, I got myself into this mess. I just don't know if I want to get out. Guess it's time for twenty one questions. I should just keep the memory on the other side of the glass, it's the past for a reason, but I just can't stop second guessing myself.

So Syracuse wants me to get a letter of recommendation from one of my professors. My sister advises that it should be my biology teacher, but sadly, my lecture has 90 people how the -pardon my french- fuck am I supposed to stand out there ? Time to get on my nerd flow, ya digg ?! Oh God -_- haha.

"If I lay here, if I just lay here; would you lie with me and just forget the world ?"

Leave a Mark They Can't Erase.

It's been awhile, but here goes. Friday night I realized way more than I bargained for. Every step, every move has a repercussion -- good or bad. I don't really want to go into much detail about that night, although a few already know the deal. Basically, I just had a rush of emotions that have now driven me to a fork in the road. Same God Damn fork I always find myself -_- For one, I owe my parents the biggest apology of my life. I said half of it to my dad...but my mom is always the hardest to get through to. I'm happy I've at least grown up a tad bit - mentally. Sigh.

I know the road I need to take, but I feel like I'm just going to run back to the starting point. But I always do this, I run back to what I already know cause I'm so scared to start brand new. Unfortunately, there's always something wrong with what I run back to. If it was ever anything good, then I really wouldn't have a reason to run back to it. I'm impossible. I'm always the one to give out advice and I'm 98% percent right about what will happen if my advice isn't taken. Too bad I'm never right about my own actions. But back to this road I need to take, it's called moving on. Only problem is, I'm not even sure what I'm moving on from. Blah. I wrote something this weekend, not in ink or on a screen or in blood O_o but I did write some message which will probably never be realized or understood, but that's okay. At the end of the day, it's probably for the best.

Well, there's no concert for me and Conn anymore...DEPRESSING. But to make up for it, we will be looking GLORIOUS on Halloween -- GaGa inspired baby :]
"I want to break up the scene and see you running back to me; cause I feel like taking off -- let me be your supernova before you make the biggest mistake of your life. Give me a chance to get it right."

Mind Over Matter.

I took my first biology exam today at 7:30 a.m.. Was not at all what I expected, fairly simple and I barely studied -- but maybe I shouldn't start gloating just yet. I've been singing a Chris Brown song all day, just the same line over and over -- "I want to be where you are..."; you might remember if from the song "Yo (Excuse Me)" -- early Chris Breezy. I haven't quite figured out why it's been heavy on my mind or to whom its relating to but honestly I think it's my friends. Not just the ones across the bridge, but the ones who are farther up north.

It's been a day of pure drowsiness and reminiscing. I guess it goes for a lot of us, if not all, but I really just miss my crew. We may not all run in the same circles, but when we all got together at my awesome get-togethers, some amazing memories were made. In this new chapter of life, we have even more memories to make but I just wish I could make them now rather than later. Clearly, I can't wait till Winter Break, not only because I get to see the pieces of my heart but also because I get to start fresh all over again, at a place I'd actually like to be in. I'm glad for all my friends who are where they dreamed of being and if not dreamed then at least WANTED to be in. As for the rest of us, just gotta keep putting in work to achieve those dreams. Thank God I'm so close to a few of my crew, if I couldn't see them this often I'd def be some type of wreck.

Oh and by the way, Constance and I are attending the Fame Kills Tour on January 3rd, 2010.
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind...- Dr. Seuss."

Mazel Tov.

This weekend was thus far one of the best. I may not have gotten inebriated the way I wanted to but best believe I had a lot of fun. Friday night went to shit because...well yeah, just did. Saturday night was relatively eventful. Scored a Strawberry Frap ♥ from my "flow" (he likes to think he is haha, I hope he reads this) and suffered minor heartbreak on the train, I'll get into that in a second. I got to see one of my bestGIRLfriends, Natalee at Columbia. We had dinner at a great Japanese Restuarant with our hilarious friend Amanda from Fairfield U. (she's awesome no lie) and then got hooked up at PinkBerry. Later I met some new people at CU and was given a bottle O_O -- saving that for next week ! I took myself to NYU and spent the night with my Conn ♥. Great night -- knocked at 6:30 am., need I say more ?

So about that heartbreak..., I'm never going to stop kicking myself. So two stops after I get on the 2 train this beautiful piece of man gets on the train. He had a lip piercing and a eyebrow piercing -- I don't usually like my dudes to have piercings other than his ears and/or tongue but God Damn. So anyway he sits across from me and we have more than a few moments of eye contact and smiles. Train hits 96th and its time to transfer. Like destiny, he gets off to transfer to the 1 as am I :D ! Again, on the platform, more eye contact and what not. Train comes, I get in first and homeboy sits right next to me. You already know my ass was gassed as hell. So I'm trying to maintain my cool, probably expecting too much, just waiting for some conversation. It doesn't happen anytime soon so I attempt to do the whole "I'm-getting-a-piece-of-gum-deep-in-my-bag-oh, sorry-cutie-I-hit-you." My retarded arm doesn't even reach him, we hit 116th, quick smile as I walk out and I'm gone. -_-

be back soon hunny dips.
"you mad at me cause your paper needs to get it's mothafuckin' weight up"

Can't Tell Me Nothin' !

Here's to another uneventful Thirsty Thursday for Ashley at college -__-. I'm home all weekend and I'm finally over this cold so I def WILL BE HAVING MINE ! Can't wait till January..ugh, anyway. So this weekend should be good (hopefully), rounding up my crew of boys (missing some) for some fun illegal activities hahaha. Check for that !!

The future is so damn uncertain. But for the very curious, there's palm readers and psychics -- if you believe in that stuff. You shelf over hard earned cash to basically hear what you yourself tell them, only reworded. Ain't that somethin' ? I wish I knew what was in store, instead of imagining and believing those ideas. I'm not big on surprises, but I guess they aren't too bad if you really think about it. But I wonder, if we knew what was coming before it came, would the actions we take cause everything to change ? Or do we just take the roads that will lead us to those events purposely ? Does that leave room for mistakes and learning from said mistakes ? I guess we'll all just have to live life and see.

Life 's an adventure, a long journey filled with wild obstacles -- unique to each human. Cause even if we connect with another because of similar experiences, they are never quite the same. But back to the future (haha ??), because I'm a hopeless romantic, I'm always wondering who my next heartbreak is going to be. A little pessimistic to think it'll end up that way, but it's some type of armor in this crazy world. But as for that matter, I'll been pretty chill. I'm not really up to my usual antics of prospecting* cause I feel I'm not in the right mind set. There's some housekeeping I gotta do within me before I go jump out the window. Time to get my mackin' back in perspective. Got some soul searching to do.

So I'm quite hype for this weekend, but watch me up doing nothing. Check for it sometime this weekend hunnies ♥
"sky might be falling but remember you can fly highhh..."

All Alerts Off.

So, I'll give this another shot. Let's be generic -- allow me to reintroduce myself...
My name's Ashley, I'm eighteen and a college student. I'm not where I want to be but it's where I'm at so until January, I'll deal. I'm a big time drama mama and I will ALWAYS find something to complain about. Due to recent events in my life, I've desperately needed an outlet to speak my mind. Yeah, there're always my best friends, but I'm not trying to talk their faces off.
I had a bootleg blog going on this summer. I made one cause I figured I could get out my mind's troubles that way but I just began to get discouraged and eventually got lazy. I don't expect to be all popular with this, like I said I need an outlet. Not to kiss my ass or anything, I have some interesting things to say, maybe I can inspire like many have done to me. Shouts to my faves on this: Emanuel (http://soonyoullunderstand.blogspot.com) & Constance (http://nonconnformist.blogspot.com).


NOW FOR THE EMOTIONAL SPILL !!
All alerts off; an explanation. Other than being the sound profile my blackberry (♥) is on, it's also how I feel about some people. Kind of like they have me on that setting. I'm a girl, don't let it come as a surprise that I love attention. Not too much nor too little -- just enough. I feel as though some loved ones who are a major part of me have been ... kind of absent. But hey, college changes people. We won't know if it's for best or worst until we evaluate our own changes. I slipped up and let my inner crybaby overreact. I'm not in the position right now to dismiss people from my life. This past weekend I lost it and more or less cut an important part of my life out. I have my major reasons for having done so, most of the female population would agree with me on them and a select few emotional fellas I know would too. Anyway, in wanting to make the other party feel like a dick-enormous, I'm the mandingo -_-. I was jammin' to my Bachata when I started to really feel it...I miss my friend. But fortunately for me, my long lost dominican cousin George was able to get things back in perspective for me. I tend to put myself down...over and over again. Knowing that the other person owes me a real apology, I still find that in the end I caused the problem in the first place. Basically, I gotta grow up and build the wall I've been trying to protect my whole life. So here's the first brick, fuck crying -- let allergies be the only reason I tear up.


Till tomorrow night babies <3
"take your time when liking a guy; cause if he sense your feelings too intense -- it's pimp or die."