My Mind Runs -- I Could Never Catch It, Even If I Got A Head Start.

I would like to make a public statement that I am staying at FDU for another semester or two, for reasons beyond my control. But that is fine. Got me a roommate and to Northpointe we go with our hot pink decor !

Before I write, news flash, Julie's bbm reads "You're so horny. I can tell by your statuses." Thanks Ju. My status earlier was "my dick ain't gunna suck itself." It was just to humor myself after a horrible day that could perhaps SUCK MY DICK.

Anyway, this semester has been...interesting to say the least. A few surprises here and there and don't forget to add all those moments I was appalled. As for my latest moment of appallment, if I may -- Don't try to bullshit a bullshitter, thanks. Enough of that before I truly do get upset. I actually had a lot more to say but ugh, I am too distracted, I'm sorry Julie !
Check back tomorrow :]

“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss.

Don't Look At Me Like That -- You Amaze Me.

On March 19th, 2010, 5:00 AM, I arrived outside MSG alongside my bff Constance. We looked around in shock because we thought there would be a wild line by then. We were waiting to buy tickets for Lady GaGa. A few other fanatics showed up and we gave each other that whole "Are you here for GaGa ?" look. We stood our ground for some time then grabbed some breakfast at Mickey D's. Nobody at MSG seemed to understand why we were standing there. That was kind of heart-wrenching actually. After countless calls to Ticketmaster and MSG Box Office, Conn noticed that online it said that tickets were not sold at the actual venue on the first day, rather at a Ticketmaster Box Office. I remembered that those could be found at Macy's. I gave my sister a call hoping she could let us in early, but obviously that wasn't happening. After hours of agony and meeting other fans, we were told Macy's was definitely where the tickets were to be sold. So we ran up 8th Ave to a Macy's entrance with the Cellar stairs right next to us. There we joked around with some fans, talked some shit - the works. Finally, at 10:00 AM Macy's opened its doors and a massive rush of women and gays (haha, I loved it) ran to the stairs. I swear everything around me was a blur and all I could hear was Conn screaming out "ASHLEY !! ASSSSHHHHHLLLLLEEEEYYYYYYY !!". Alas, we reached the box office (or gift wrapping section) and we were BLOWN. Scalpers and Macy's employees were ALREADY on the line, like where the fuck did you come from asshole ? As the line progressed, more concert dates began to open up. When we reached the counter, the first tickets offered to us were General Admission, $79 - standing room only. No way playa, we were having that. So then we were so bold as to say "TWO BEST AVAILABLE" and we were given just that. Section 126 - $179.50 times two. My best friend Constance and I were officially en route to Monster Ball starring Lady GaGa on July 9th, 2010.

100 Days.

These Are My Confessions Like I'm Usher Raymond.

There has been some type of great rift within me. I call it great because it's really a change for the better. Continuing on from my last post that was damn near too long ago, I'm not quite so bitter anymore which is DEFINITELY a good look. Not only for myself but for the health of my friendships as well. There are actually a lot of thoughts jumbling through my head...but just a few in particular I feel should be "said out loud". Thank you blogspot for being that medium for me.
These are in no particular order.

thank you sir for leading me on and being added to the list of my "male disappointments". i'm not being sarcastic -unless you feel that way- but tis true. thank you for allowing me to learn another lesson that just makes me stronger. as for you, i hope all goes well with what you say is "a good thing", i hope you can soon realize it is a great thing.

there's a small flip i have to thank. she's the reason i actually realized that i changed for the better. i mean, i knew there was something new about me but when someone actually says "i'm glad you're back to smiling" or "i like it when you smile", you really open your eyes. so thank you fatso. i'm glad you're back.

the few. the proud. my friends. i don't seem to have many i can actually call my best, but i guess that's been my fault. NOT entirely my fault because of course everyone knows you don't distance yourself from your "best" friend simply because they are in some state of depression. wouldn't that just add on to the depression ? yeah, i believe so. but fuck that, i'm not holding grudges. a grudge is just wasted energy, might as well put it to work at the gym or better yet schoolwork.

destroy and rebuild. i guess you can say i more or less destroyed the "monster" that was keeping me down. now i'm onto rebuilding all it destroyed and reinforcing all it could not.

i'm spending valentine's day alone and yes, it is bittersweet. it's my first in a really long time but here's my take on it. everyday in a relationship, romantic or platonic, should feel like a celebration of love. everyday, every moment, second and even the fights. fights are just a not so nice way of saying i fucking love you motherfucker don't you get it, dumb shit. i am unsure if i am complaining but what ever it is i am doing, i do confess that i do miss having someone. i don't miss the mess i am when it all falls apart. in some part i know i'm better alone, at least for now. but we are all human and believe it or not we all want some type of love/companionship. cupid's played some cruel jokes on me, but when he makes me stumble, i only jump right back up. alas, i love you love.

xoxo :o]

Heartbreaker.

Remember when I caught your eye
you gave me rainbows and butterflies
we did enjoy our happiness;
when our love was over
I was such a mess

I smiled at you
and you smiled back
that's when I knew
there's no turning back
you said you loved me
and I did too
now though it's over
I still love you

you're in my mind
you're in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start

I tried to fight it
I tried so hard
and every day
I pray to God
that you and me were meant to be
but you had another
you had a lover

And now is gone
I don't know why
I feel like crying
just want to die
I can't look at you
and you know why
no, I tried so hard
to catch your eye

you're in my mind
you're in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start

Thank you MSTRKRFT for these amazing lyrics. They would've spoken to me a few months...scratch that -- weeks ago. I think the most tiring part of my day isn't the few hours I put in at work or the commute from NJ to NYC rather the energy to know and believe that at the end of the day I don't need anyone; romantically - that is.

I am feeling a tad bit on the bitter end about the prospect of love or a relationship for that matter. Anyone who knows me KNOWS this isn't me in any which way or form. I am the epitome of hopeless romantic. Now relationships make me sick. I much rather be part of something meaningless with absolutely no strings so I could avoid all FEELINGS. Shit...I'm morbid -_- But don't get me wrong. I am still madly, deeply, head-over-heels, GAGA in love with love. It is just that at this precise moment I love my ever so tenacious heart and attitude more than anything. Maybe it's just me becoming one with the season - cold but warm every now and then. But then spring arrives just in time and maybe then I'll stumble upon a knight in shining armor. Def don't have any high hopes for that. I'll pause on this before I get into how the male population is the same AT ANY AGE ! Yikes =X

sayonara babies.

Room for Improvement.

So it's been too long since I touched base. Have plenty to blog about just too few words to express and fully explain what goes on in this life of mine. Blah. I don't want to sound cliche and say this year I will definitely change, but for this second - let's allow it.

I finished my first semester with a 3.2 GPA, I'm not too upset or too happy but I guess it's something. I'm ready to put in work for that 3.8 and get my ass out of that place. LET'S GOOOOO ! Moving forward, I have officially come to terms with the fact that I don't need someone (male figure) to make me feel wanted, happy, important, etc. what the fuck, I am eighteen years old and reeeeaalllyyy need to get out of that "Cuffin" mentality. Trust me when I say, and my friends know it all too well, I am at my best when I am alone. So very happily, I intend to stay this way :]

I learned a FUCKING lot in 2009, mostly because I was shitted on but lastly because I became the same asshole who shitted on me constantly. In the end, that was the ultimate lesson and what led me to realize how much better off I am alone. This of course does not include friends and family, because let's be real, where would I be without any of them ? Although I firmly believe that I don't have much to be happy about I am feeling all sorts of happy. Going to finish up all those transfer apps, then just maybe I will be complete.

As for this blog's title, its self-explanatory. I have much more growing up to do as well as improvements and I'm just grown up enough to admit it.

"a sure thing just might fail you"